Tim Ellsworth

July 21, 2005

Dear Daniel,

We had so much fun playing basketball tonight. You have a “Little Tikes” basketball goal that sits in our living room behind the couch, and until now the only way you’ve shot the basketball is to slam dunk it.

But tonight, you stood on the couch and couldn’t reach the goal to dunk it. So, you actually started to shoot the ball. Your attempts were off at first, and your mom and I kept encouraging you: “Almost, Daniel” or “Oh, that was close.”

When you finally made it for the first time, your mom started jumping up and down cheering for you. I praised you profusely and gave you a high five. You liked that we made a big deal out of it, so you kept shooting. Sure enough, before long you made another basket and we went through all the celebration again.

Then you started doing something funny. When you’d shoot and miss, you’d raise your hands and start jumping up and down on the couch as if you had made the shot. Your mom and I had to bring you back to reality. “No Daniel, you didn’t make it,” I’d tell you. “Try it again.”

I guess we could have played along and pretended like you had made another basket. In fact, I guess some parenting “experts” would say that’s what we should have done. It’s becoming more and more common in our society to heap praise on kids all the time, all in an attempt to boost their self-esteem.

But even though you’re only 2 years old and it wouldn’t have done any harm for us to have played along, I’m not going to get in the habit of doing that. When parents make a big deal over everything their kids do – be it success or failure – sure, it may soften the blow when their kids fail. But it also cheapens the value of an accomplishment. If everything a child does is fabulous, then it’s not so special when the child does something truly outstanding.

In addition, failure is part of life, and one of our duties as parents is to prepare you to deal with that. You will not succeed in everything you do, and it’s good for you to know how to handle failure when you don’t.

We’re not going to gloss over all your failures – because some of your shortcomings will be more serious than a wayward basketball shot. Some of your failures will be sinful, and they will be offensive to God. There will be times when you throw a temper tantrum or don’t obey me or your mom, and that’s not something we can let slide – because these actions aren’t just defiance against us. They’re also defiance against God.

Our most important responsibility as your parents is to make you understand the seriousness of your own sin – then to point you to Jesus, in whom you can find forgiveness and mercy. If you get the idea from us that you’re a perfect little angel who can do no wrong, it will diminish your need for a Savior, and that’s a dangerous place to be.

That doesn’t mean we’re going to tear you down all the time and make you feel like you’re a miserable little worm. Quite the contrary. We love you very much and want to affirm your worth as a person. We will be your biggest encouragers in life, because we want the best for you. You are made in God’s image, and that means you’re of infinite value, both to the Lord and to us.

That’s why we want so much for you to come to know God’s grace in a real way. By discovering your sinfulness, you can fully appreciate the forgiveness God provides. You can know when you do wrong – when you do something of more consequence than miss a meaningless basketball shot – and you can rest in the grace of God, knowing that Jesus Christ paid the price for your sin.

Love always,

Dad